Melantak gaya khinzir tak membawa ke syurga.

Melantak gaya khinzir tak membawa ke syurga.

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Day 1 : Ops badan lean gaya model @ Ops ketatkan tetek gelebeh anda.
STATUS : GAGAL.

It went quite well at first, plain water for breakfast and lunch and dinner with few slices of fruit as my so called protein replacement. Hampeh, thanks dearly to IKEA, I had their newly introduced menu, "Chicken breast with pasta and vegetable on the side.

HAMPEH.

Very dissapointing, the roasted chicken breast somewhat reminds me of getah pemadam, you know those eraser with greenish rectangular shape on top. Kejang aku mengunyah, to make thing worst, its quite cold for a roasted chicken breast, rasa macam makan daging gajah disejukbekukan.  For $10.90, it should be a little more appetizing. Jeles aku dengan mamat sebelah aku yang makan 15 biji meatball.  Sedap dia mengunyah, WAIT? what happened to their salmon menu? OK aku nak piket.

Serious.

Macam ni boleh?

Perketatkan Saggy tits anda.

Perketatkan Saggy tits anda.

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I am 22 years old, and there is so many things I have not done. For now, I am quite obsessed over one particular photograph from a fashion magazine (Sorry store I have to tear that page); basically a picture of a male model in blue sweat shirt with matching short pants, very short I tell you.  Kaki nak homaigod panjang lima kilometer saja. Lepak gemalai ZERO.

Hari ni, bila buka video Justin Wu, segerombolan model berjimba (bergembira) sambil menari, rasa sangat excited. Disebabkan oleh itu, iya saya, Rizal Yaakub is officially kicking off my BADAN-LEAN-SEKEPING-ALA-MODEL diet. Please someone remind me to get a decent dumbell, if not something enough to make my saggy tits tighter, YELAH. gen gabak dalam family, so strugglelah sikit.

OH! BADAN LEAN TETEK TAK GELEBEH *berdoa*

Oh dan ya, hari ni hari pertama kelas, it is quite exciting, maybe because I have been on a damn long holiday thus looking at familiar faces is mercifully incredible. Waking up today I was prepared for some evil comments like,

"Rizal, tertelan soda bikarbonat ke? Apam kau gebu,"

"Lah Rizal rupanya, ingatkan mesin air gedegang kat tepi jamban tu,"

or worst,

 "Tak nak masuk biggest loser ke? Oh my god, kau naik kereta aku suspension mesti lari,"

Thank god, tiada insiden kapak kawan disebabkan mulut durjana berlaku. Awesome.

Kelas habis awal hari ni, so to kill time, decided to ransack the library to look for new inspiration. Those book, those ugly law books seemed less appealing today (well every time actually), very much like McDonald's stinky burgers, or maybe my goddamn SAGGY TITS.

I found this autobiography of Kurt Kobain on the music section, no hesitation MUST BORROW. Autobiograpy is sex, enough said. So much better than some fiction story of a gay headed wizard whom  blurts out "Hocus pocus mak ngah jalang, sengugut" upon bumping into his enemies, when the actual respond should have been,

"Dei mahu matikah? (all the bad words in Malay, Chinese, Tamil goes here"

 Konon-konon powerful. Boring. Anyhow, is it even possible for me to finish reading this Kurt Kobain autobiography in 14 days? if 30 pages is taking me at least 2 weeks to finish, 300 pages would take me eternity.

Habis.

Kenzo says whore, I mean ho!

Kenzo says whore, I mean ho!

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The fat me in Kenzo. Mercibeaucoup. As I am writing this is I am ogling at Kenzo Spring Summer 2011's fashion show. OK, boring lebih lebih lagi bila tangan laju meraba raba setiap inci blazer Kenzo yang baru dibeli. Usah pedulikan hidup, gersangkan diri anda dengan Kenzo.

On a lighter note, I drove the family to Port Dickson today. Seriously driving with the entire simon cowell-ish family is gruesome, especially when you hear clearly at the back of your head things like

"Adik (nama gedik-gedik antara keluarga), drive carefully, don't kona (is it 'kona' or 'corner') baring. "

Soalan utamanya, boleh ke Viva sopak-sopak 'kona' baring? Kenapa sopak-sopak? I think it is more of lori sampah than kereta. Well the story goes like this, I am always lazy to send my car for a bubble bath, akhirnya jari jemarikulah yang akan meraba-raba halus buih-buih sambil dada, dan abdomen laju mengosok-gosok badan kereta. Tapi selalunya bila kering, bersopak-sopak, macam kereta berpanau. Menambahkan kegusaran apabila lokasi parkir kereta berhadapan dengan saudara mara atau segerombolan manusia, nasib baiklah baju pengantin hideous, so fokus  bukan pada lori sampah saya.

I don't understand in wedding, si suami dan si isteri, syok sendiri beli baju lawa-lawa warna mesti meriah ya amat, merah jambu platinum, hijau pucuk pisang on drug, ungu Barney & friends, merah mak nyah atau liplap ramlah ram (selalunya sewa, kain mesti macam kertas. Panas berapi) lepas tu berarak syok sendiri duduk atas pelamin. Lepas tu panggil diri sendiri raja sehari.

Apa tak puas kau berarak waktu Maulidurrasul?

Hermes Spring/Summer 2012

Hermes Spring/Summer 2012

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Hello fashionista. Feast your eyes with this amazing collection by Hermes. Ceh, macamlah aku ni in house designer, siap bagi ucapan alu aluan. As I was scrolling through this collection, simultaneously I was listening to The Script song entitled If you ever comeback and it feels so right, for me this collection reads young independent lad juggling his life in metropolition, perhaps New York or even Paris. 


OK, syok sendiri. Macamana pun tahniah kepada Hermes, sebab sebelum ni design Hermes tampak tua. Bukan tua ala ala M Daud Kilau, maksud tua tu very matured, maybe ages between 30 - 40 years old. Tapi koleksi kali ni sangat sangat segar @ fresh dan boleh diguna pakai bagi pelbagai umur (walaupun tak ada siapa umur muda muda yang mampu beli melainkan berayahkan Tony Fernandez atau sekutu dengannya).

Sebagai peminat setia warna kuning, bila tengok koleksi Hermes ada warna kuning, terus teruja lepas tu berdebar-debar macam aku Simon Nessman yang berjalan dalam fesyen show ni. Suka sangat tengok how Hermes mix yellow with other color. Tak menyakitkan mata.

OK, bila cakap fasal kuning, teringat bila pergi Penang, sebab konon-konon nak jadi tourist abadi, ala mat salleh terus pergi ke Bukit Bendera dengan harapan bila berdiri dekat atas puncak dengan kesejukan tu, terus hati cakap,

"Rindu dengan kampung halaman di Paris (sambil pegang gambar ibu bapa di dada)"

Bila keluar dari cable car, terus teruja sebab kesejukan ala ala Paris, sekali langkah keluar stesen cabel  car rupa rupanya sejuk aircond  bukan sejuk natural. So tipah tertipu. Again mengarut lagi, OK sambung cerita so pada hari tu, seperti biasa berseluar pendek biru dan berbaju kemeja kuning. Confident, kemudian bila dah bercengkerama di atas bukit sana,dalam perjalanan turun terserempak dengan satu famili,  lantas dia buat thumbs up, sambil terkumat kamit dalam bahasa yang tak di fahami. Seperti biasa muka dah blur, cuba untuk eavesdropping, kemudian terdengarlah omongan keluarga mereka, kata antara mereka,

"Oh god, I saw him on TV, he's one of those BERSIH 2.0 people, wow very good, trying to call for support up here"

So sekarang baju kuning aku statement masyarakatlah? Lagi satu muka aku familiar sangat ke? ada panggil aku Cina Taiping.

OK these are some of the clothes that I would want to have in my closet. It looks so minimal, reminds me of Calvin Klein with a tinge of urban. I am crazy over those sandals. Rasa nak rompak Hermes sekarang.

By the way, blog visit aku meningkat 800% tapi aku tak kenal siapa visitor aku, so harap bolehlah subscribe atau comment sebab bolehlah kita bercengkerama bila bosan-bosan. Alah gigit-gigit nakal.
 BOLEH?

Berhijab, berbaju lace jarang, legging dan bra electric pink.

Berhijab, berbaju lace jarang, legging dan bra electric pink.

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Bak kata pepatah "alang-alang menyeluk pekasam biar sampai ke pangkal lengan", serious tengah sangat sangat depressed dengan kamera ni, dari petang tadi dok tekan-tekan dan picit-picit. Bukti diri ini sangat naif dengan objek-objek digital. I think an analog camera would be just fine for me, or some kiddy camera that you can get for $50 or so.

Looking at pictures from other blogs, I am so inspired to get my own so I could do the same, but I guess I need to REALLY, REALLY, and REALLY  learn the 101 of this goddamn thing or my photos would only look like a bunch of gambar kocak-kocak. (Fikir kotorlah tu kan? Eh kau gatallah!)

OK, walaubagaimanapun, as I was flipping through pages from the WW magazine (YES that new magazine headed by Wirda Adnan) I realized that how fashion could easily be viral. Contohnya, gambar terbaru Beyonce yang mengandung di VMA, memakai gaun dari koleksi Lanvin rekaan Alber Elbaz, I am sure as the image is being reprinted in many fashion magazines and posted in blogs,  people are barging into stores and tailors trying to get a piece of that truly inspiring clothes.

Dan kerana dress ini retail at $14, 065 ringgit, penuhlah Nagoya, Jakel dan Nilai 3 dengan fashionista dan mak cik yang mencari kain ela berwarna merah mak ngah, sebab Beyonce dah melaram dekat VMA, so harus ikut.

Yang penting kenapa aku mengarut sampai jauh kesini, OK actually just nak kongsi macamana evolusi fesyen kadang-kadang tak bersesuaian dengan  budaya dan  aspirasi individu (Ceh wah ayat punya sophisticated), so cerita dia macam ni, beberapa hari lepas, keluar bersama abang dan kawan, bila balik dan kelaparan teramat, sebab bila pakai seluar pendek ala ala model antarabangsa (rujuk post sebelum ini), mana boleh makan, takut kaki membelon. So harus kosongkan tangki.

Ceritanya, masuklah sepasangan cinta, tampak normal jika dipandang sekali, bila pandang dua kali, terus terjuling. Bayangkan begini, seorang wanita, berhijab ala Hana Tajima (gaya lilit sampai tercekik), berbaju lace hitam, dan berlegging hitam, extra tight. Yang paling penting lace dia see through sangat-sangat, maka ternampaklah bra berwarna pink electric. Sumpah terdiam. Bila dia duduk menggatal sambil melahap, ternampaklah dibelakang dia tali tali halus dan bra merah jambu dia.

So nak buat apa, dah rezeki tonton jelah, takkan nak berkawad dekat meja dia terus cakap,

"Cantik bra pink awak, ecentric pink. Skiva ke?"

Mahu aku kena debik sekali, tak pun dia pandang jijik sebab ingat aku drag setiap hari rabu dekat mentari court sebab expert sangat fasal bra.

Kesimpulannya, kalau berhijab/tudung, berpakaianlah comel-comel, molek-molek sebab bra pink awak buat saya tersedak mee goreng ayam.

Terima kasih.

Objek gedegang dari angkasa.

Objek gedegang dari angkasa.

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Kamera digital dah sampai. I know I have blasted over here on how i really needed a camera. Apa lagi, meroyan dekat lelong dan berjaya membeli sebuah kamera digital. Some people could easily buy things via the internet for me I have this obsessive compulsive disorder to check the tracking system every five seconds. Lepas tu depressed sendiri bila barang tak sampai-sampai lepas 48 jam dan  status barang ditulis sebagai,

"Misrouted to Pelabuhan Klang"

Benci. Thank god barang sampai dengan sukacitanya few hours ago. Its just a regular Nikon digital camera. Dengan keadaan jahiliah fasal digital items memang beli jelah apa yang nampak cantik. Orang kata "Don't judge a book by its cover" tapi sebetulnya nak ke kau bawa kamera gedegang besar rumah jalan-jalan hanya kerana kamera tu bagus? For me practicality is to look for.  So lepas kita dah charge habis kamera tak gedegang tu nanti kita ambil gambar ok.

OK, tukar topik, digital machinery sangat membosankan, macam bola sepak. BORING. Ada orang tanya dekat saya,

 "You looked like a youtube-junkie, apa yang best sangat kau tengok sampai lima jam straight kau tengok kat screen? tak juling ke? "

Tak lah sampai juling tenung dekat screen, cuma mata meleleh-leleh keriangan. Untuk siapa yang nak tahu, I have few channels that I must watch everyday. Macam tertunggu-tunggu apa dia nak update, kira macam aku dah diminyak-dagukan mereka. Usually fashion or lifestyle related videos. Seronok tengok orang-orang kat negara lain bergembira, berfesyen bagai nak rak.

Jim Chapman

Erichben

J Kim

Lepas dah tengok semua video lepas tu mengantuk, lepas tu terus tidur. Boleh?

OK, bye nak tidur.