Hijab spandex gaya missoni, ketat tanpa jugilan lemak di bawah dagu.

Hijab spandex gaya missoni, ketat tanpa jugilan lemak di bawah dagu.

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Hello almari 3 pintu.

I haven't done anything interesting to share with you guys, well you know me, I enjoy terbongkang before the television and just click away from a channel to another. Oh by the way, Diane Von Furstenberg's a day before will be showed on Lifestyle channel soon.

I can't wait for that. The idea of an old woman with very kembang semangkuk hair, with very sophisticated and delicate taste in fashion is just intriguing. Well you compare that to Malaysia mak cik. You'll hardly find a mak cik who cares enough about fashion like Diane Von Furstenberg, even if they do, their idea of style would probably be :

1. Baju blouse besar gabak with huge massive floral details, lagi besar dan warna coklat tanah lagi cantik.
2. Seluar getah ala Madonna in 80's or maybe just black well if they really want to step up in the game, probably brown slacks.
3. Spandex hijab in every colors available on earth.

I'm not against spandex hujab, well the tell you the truth ever since the introduction of such peculiar material for tudung, I just become more and more confused about the baju jalan and baju rumah, take this for example :

***

Situation 1, 8:30 a.m 

Me : Mama nak pergi mana? (while watching her fixing the atap of her spandex tudung ala Missoni )

Mama: Nak pergi pasar, I need to get the cencaluk, tempe, budu and the entire gangbang.

Me: OK mama, stay fashionable xoxo (flying kiss tepuk bontot)

***

Situation 2, 8:00 p.m

Me : Kemain mama, ada blind date ke? cantik jubah, habislah chandelier nak bergabung meletup stacy dengan mama malam ni. (sambil kaki bersimpuh atas katil)

Mama : Astafirullah, cuba kau bawa mengucap, kau ingat aku ni cougar nak blind date bagai. I'm attending a wedding, ni wedding si orang kaya kedekut nak mati tu, dekat Hotel (pick a random hotel that pop out in your head)

*while wrestling with the hanger that hangs her aforementioned spandex tudung ala Missoni

Me : Eh! tudung getah sekerap ni lagi? what happened to your tudung bawal? tudung pari? tudung saji? Tudung tulah pergi pasar tudung tulah untuk kemain-kemain Stacy.

Mama : Berkubur, not in vogue anymore you know, tudung spandex is nicer, it makes your face very tight than all the kedut-kedut and all the melimpah ruah ke ladang gandum features dissapear. I wonder why David Copperfield didn't use tudung spandex as part of his magic. This is way better than his silly trick menghilangkan the great wall of China and the Statue of Liberty.

***

Ok crap, this is a losing battle, I probably would have to annihilate the entire work force behind  tudung spandex magic ala David Copperfield to make it stop, not even Joan Rivers can help me.

God bless us all.

P/s : The great women behind some of the greatest film costumes, Eiko Ishioka recently died after losing her battle of Cancer. I've always love how dramatic her costume creations are, and one of the best has got to be her creations in The Fall.

'

So her costume would probably my inspiration for my baju raya, I'll wear mask made of dawai painted in gold maybe. Over!

Make up tutorial : How to look like a sexy sembelit Robert Pattinson

Make up tutorial : How to look like a sexy sembelit Robert Pattinson

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I honestly am obssesed with Edward Cullen, well Robert Pattinson, although I get his name wrongly spelled everytime, but I really like him as a person. Although sometimes he looked abit like someone who's at the verge of buang air besar, but I still like him. Hence for today, I'll show you an easy make up tutorial on how to get his look, without stabbing your girlfriend or sister who is a makeup guru. I'm still new at make up, so hopefully people won't kutuk me for my very excellent skill at make up.

Such an inspiration, he looked picture perfect, I on the other hand look slightly distorted. I was trying to give that "Eh serius tak tahan nak tercirit birit look" with such suave, very James Dean Like, however tak jadi, I look like someone from Vietnam.

Lets start with the tutorial, First thing first, you must prepare yourself for this huge journey of self transformation, seriously big. I was so nervous, focus and excited. I peed a little in my tiny pants due to over excitement.

Step 1

Protect your hair from the make up by covering it with scarf or something. Your facial expression is very important. Continue doing that "Eh nak berak" face all the way long, while doing that try to remember all the Shaolin Temple super powers, because being a modern Vampire is not easy, one must know how to climb trees and jump from one tree to another.  Not to forget super power to make sure your wife would not snap in half during the conceiving of your extra strong baby girl.

the perfect constipated look.

Step 2

Jawline is extremely important here, massage your jaw till it becomes prominent. If your body fat percentage is higher than mine, you just uli-uli your face till you die, in hope it magically becomes prominent, if not you just sagat your jaw using pengukur kelapa.

Step 3

This is a major step, get a packet of normal flour, anything that makes your skin glows. For this tutorial I'm using a regular flour, you can also use tepung ubi, if your are a tradisional Malay, tepung jagung, if you like Chinese cuisine, or even tepung atar if you are an avid lover of Indian cuisine. Matilah mama bunuh aku if she finds out I'm using her tepung gandum.

Tepung gandung normal texture, you can also replace with debu pasir, or pasir kucing if you like scented sand.

Just tenyeh-tenyeh on your face, make sure it is well distributed, the last thing you need in your life is an uneven coating of flour on your face. It sounded so wrong, why does it sound like I'm coating chicken thigh or breast in crispy flour?

Get to every inch of your face, you need it boy. 

Step 3

This is utmost important, everything in film is a camera trick. Try to find your best angle. There is no secret to find the best angle, cam whoring the entire day would help. Just snap away.

Ok aku nampak macam meja belajar, almari dua pintu.

Too much, mata kecil konon-konon seksi.

Perfect, jaw line is there, messy hair and I'm having a very bad stomach ache look. Although I don't look like Robert Pattinson entirely, with the help of computer engineering, I could be manipulated to look very much like him. Kira aku lepas ni bertambah gorgeous dari normal.

Step 4

Edit on Photoshop or any computer programs that you like. I prefer Photoshop. Try to saturate the colour to make it look more mysterious and very much dark ala vampire era.

and VOILA!

the end result,

OK Bye.

Stripper berbasikal

Stripper berbasikal

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I've always wanted a bicycle like this, well ignore the condition, it looks very much a junk in this photograph but with few repair and replacement, spray paint it black with gold trimming it will look super gorgeous. OK sekarang dekat mana yang aku nak mengayuh?

To be living in beautiful places and sufficient bicycle friendly roads, at least pavement would be great, maybe in Paris, Antwerp or some cool Scandinavian countries. In Malaysia on the other hand, the roads are way too crazy, it's either you'll die kena gelek kereta, or you'll get heart attack sambil mengayuh sebab semua orang memandu macam tak pernah tengok kereta.

Untuk kesinambungan semua, para pengayuh basikal sepatutnya diwajibkan untuk membuat wasiat secara faraid atau civil sebelum mula mengayuh.

Anyhow, my skin is in the worst condition lately, it feels and looks like granulated coconut, kasar-kasar. I don't know why, right after exam it got better and now I get few zits here and there, and I'm not quite keen on that, because I have quite a fair tone, so bila muka kau penuh jerawat merah-merah nampak macam cupcake on drug, merekah-rekah warna merah, maybe a red velvet one. 

Talking about red velvet, I don't f understand people who go berserk at red velvet cake, seriously what's so special about it, yes it's red, cencaluk is pink, well the taste is somewhat between gruesome and manly-sweat-ish. Why? the original recipe uses beetroot, well for that I understand, beetroot has a very sweet, out-of-the-world taste, but chemically colored cake? it tastes like sirap rose at kenduri kahwin.

Don't let me start on rainbow colored cake. That one is crazy, why do you need 76 colors on a cake?

I probably use kuih seri muka as my cake, at least the color is from pandan leaf, tak ke aku Melayu tradisional? (duduk bersimpuh sambil makan sireh)

p/s : Pekerja KFC kurang ajar video (click here) reminds me of my service crew days, people throwing money at your face, I didn't feel angry, I was too caught in that stripper-ish feeling and moment, "Oh beginilah rasanya bila orang campak duit kat aku, kelas! macam penari tiang" Oh by the way Mr who threw money in my face, I spit in your drink. Thank you.

Gambar vintage seksi-seksi zaman dulu, kelas!

Gambar vintage seksi-seksi zaman dulu, kelas!

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Ops mencari jantan betina di Midvalley.

Ops mencari jantan betina di Midvalley.

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Hye Jibam.

I find it more soothing to start my entry with some weird nicknames for people who read my blog, perhaps in near future I'll start calling you guys, meja belajar or even almari dua pintu to commemorate yours truly, rizal yaakub. Sesedap oren je aku buang bin in my name, konon-konon nak nampak ekslusif, macam brand, Romain Kremer atau Kris Van Assche.  Thank you you guys for spending your precious time menjenguk blog busuk aku ni.

Hari ni abang, I mean abang kandung, cepat je kau jump to conclusion aku anak ikankan? *cough* laku ke? Balik kepada topik, hari ni abang kandung masuk kerja pukul 12 malam, very the kilang shift gitu, dan sebab masuk lewat kami sempat ke Mid Valley Megamall. Automatiskan bila ada nama khas aku tulis huruf besar, tapi bila dalam exam, Donoghue v Stevenson jadi DoNogHue v StEvEnsEn. why? kepada aku tidak sepantas itu bila tulis tangan? dahlah tulisan macam font, hodoh kemain.

Looking a little bit like in New York don't you think? I just adore industrial details, metal, concrete, debu pasir and stinky sweaty human being. *grin*

For me, Mid Valley is the best place in the world to watch people, well I like prying on people business, stare at people for not apparent reason and just try to suck all the awesomeness out of their little skinny body *sigh*. People really know how to dress huh? some might be a little pelik considering you are just doing your grocery shopping or even underwear hunting bersama opah and atuk still you are wearing 5 inches of awesome heels from Charles & Keith and that slutty leopard print mini dress very burlesque.

Takut.

Whatever suit your crazy appetitelah kak jah hoi! I see many Malaysian girls who have that je ne suis quoi (go google here) to become an international model, very waif, tall and good facial structure, reminds me of Ling Tan for some reason. I like that, very feline-ish. Meow-meow purr!

Tapikan I hardly see Malaysian men, well make it boys with model look, at least high fashion traitslah, all very pecah rumah, not all but majority of them. Not even to be compared to Philip Huang (tutup mata sebelum click bagi yang menjaga aurat mata, gitu!), that Cina bukit look. Why?

Where are you muka pelik people? freakishly tall and awkward? are you hiding at home? 

 I've seen awesome looking people though but at Extreme Park in Section 13, Shah Alam but they were all too busy shuffling away ke langit or trying to convince their pal that they are awesome. I didn't have the courage to walk to them photograph them for the purpose of reference in case I am to replace the editor of Glam or even Vogue *mimpi basahlah aku*

Tapi yang aku melalut sampai berparagraph ni kenapa? I saw few interesting stuff at few shops, but I was too scared to take pictures of them, the salesperson didn't look very friendly, so I don't want them to wallop me in the ass for stealing cam whoring at their stores.

Cool awesome shorts from Topman, they are having this pre-renovation sale, so mostly the prices are reduced to gila babi price, you probably be in sawan state for couple of minutes upon seeing the pieces. I didn't though because I don't think I can fit into their sizes, I'm not fat just that I'm effing huge, this probably will become a spender ultraman if i were to try.  However, if you can fit, definitely buy, well thats damn cute shorts to wear, people will stare at you and maybe say things like,

"Berapa dik? clean shave tak?" 

 Good for investment during rainy days, how I wish I can fit, boleh jual badan for Sabah trip. *sigh*

Before I end my f long entry, I just want to share my new obsession, well this is actually a hand-me-down item, OK bukan, super steal from my dad, saw this is his wardrobe stashed with his tasbih (rosery beads for the matsalleh), and his newspaper cuttings of his younger days, during his heyday as a agogo dancer. Tipu again.

damn nice isn't it? I can wear this but it made me blind sometimes, the power of  right lens is higher than mine, so probably prolong used of it will cost me my eyesight hence I'll be the modern Kasim Selamat or some pre-matured datuk or pak cik. I've always wanted to send it to an eyewear shop, whatever the actual name they are called and get the lens replaced HOWEVER since the lens are humongous, I probably become miskin at the end of it, OR maybe papa kedana for the rest of the month or years.

 1. Yves Saint Laurent
  2. Marilyn Monroe
3. James Dean
 4. David Gandy

Hmm. now I'm contemplating, does an eyewear shop use the barter system? I'll just give away my kidney instead. Boleh ke?

#cita-cita sebelum akhil baligh

#cita-cita sebelum akhil baligh

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I wish Malaysia's fashion industry is as good as whats in Paris, Milan and New York. Well I don't care much about the clothes though, I'm more attracted to the models. When I was younger *cough old man*, I had this dream to become a talent scout.

Bila tengok video Douglas Perret dari Confession of a creative director aka COACD excited sendiri, kerja dia macam seronok, pergi public places lepas tu duduk berjam-jam tengok anak-anak muda yang comel-comel, handsome-handsome dan lawa-lawa, very paedophile-ish gitu. Fun job.



Tapi dekat Malaysia ada lima orang je model, pusing-pusing tu je. So macamana? kena tunggu diorang retired ke baru boleh cari baru?

Matilah makan pasir sampai umur 67 tahun.

OK bye.